MISH MASH I WAS TAKIN' A BATH! As predicted in these very pages on the very same day as they took their vows, the freakiest celebrity couple since Michael Jackson/Emmanuel Lewis have separated and are planning to divorce, less than two years after tying the noose. That's right, the pharmaceutically discombobulated artist formerly known as Lizza Minelli has been served with papers by her cadaver-like hermaphrodite of a husband, professional fag-hag-hag David Gest. According to the ever reliable Liz Smith, the infamously waxy-looking Gest contacted her personally in order to let her know that his divorce from one of Smith's long-time pals was "going to get ugly." Going to get ugly? Buddy, the ugly ship left port on this story a loooong time ago. Nature loves balance, but in the insect world, balance between the genders has always been sorely lacking. The male bees in a bee colony spend all their time catering to the Queen's every whim. It's the same with ants. They work their thoraxes off just to make sure a single, solitary, demanding bitch stays fat and happy. Female praying mantiseses bite off their boyfriend's heads immediately after the first time they have sex, for fuck's sake! That's why yer old pal Jerky was so delighted when he read this story about the Zeus Bug, a tiny Australian water-bug species where the female does all the work, and the guy just lies on top of her with his dick (or whatever bugs have) lodged in her snatch (or whatever bugs have), being carried around wherever he needs to go, fed whenever he gets hungry… it's fucking insect PARADISE! And what's better, she doesn't seem to mind! "All the advantages in this relationship seem to fall to the male with no obvious advantage for the female, yet the female Zeus bug seems a willing partner in this one-sided affair," says Mark Elgar of the University of Melbourne in Australia, who seems far too interested in the sex life of insects. But I guess in a society as diverse as ours, we need people like that. This week, our old pal Rotwang may very well have gone too far. The green tile walls of the Rock and Roll Deathlab are splattered with gore, and the authorities are currently scouring the nearby swamp on the off chance they might find dazed survivors stumbling towards nowhere in particular, gibbering and howling in their madness. Go. Just... go. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 31 Starting just before midnight on this day in the year 1966, chronic headache-sufferer Charles Whitman goes totally fucking ape-shit. After killing his mother and wife, he grabs a rifle and climbs to the observation deck of the University of Texas clock tower, from which he rains hot death upon the cowering students below. Ninety minutes and sixteen corpses later, a police officer is finally able to introduce Mister Whitman to his maker. Later, an autopsy would reveal a golf-ball-sized tumor in Whitman's brain. The concept of S.W.A.T. policing basically came about because of Whitman's rampage. On this day in 1790, the very first United States patent is granted to Samuel Hopkins, for his miraculous potash processing technique. Yer old pal Jerky doesn't even know what potash is, but he's duly impressed, nonetheless! On this day in 1922, Ralph Samuelson becomes the first person to ride on water skiis. The weird thing is, he doesn't do it in Florida or California, where you might expect that kind of thing to happen. Trail-blazing Samuelson strapped those planks to his tootsies in the great state of Minnesota, on one of her many scenic (and ice-cold) lakes. August 1 On this day in 1972, the Washington Post reports that a $25,000 cashier's check earmarked for the Comittee to Re-Elect the President (CREEP) campaign was discovered in the bank account of one of the men caught burglarizing a Democratic office in the Watergate building. It's the Post's first Watergate story, and it's also the beginning of the end for President Nixon. On this day in the year 1619, a few weeks after having been traded for a shipload of food by a desperate Dutch slave-trader, the very first Africans to ever touch American soil land in Jamestown, Virginia. Unfortunately, they were such a hit with the slave-owning classes (who previously had been content to own native Americans and English paupers), rush orders were soon being placed for millions more. The rest, as they say, is history. The combined efforts of Captain J. T. Kirk and T.J. Hooker weren't enough to save William Shatner's wife when he found her, face down in the bottom of the family pool on this day in 1999. And yes, he DID call 911, or, as he calls it: "Nine..... one-one!"

THEY SAID IT! "There will be no peace if terrorism flourishes. There's no peace. That's a contradiction in terms. Terrorists are against peace. Terrorists kill innocent life to prevent peace from happening. The way to make sure peace happens is for all of us to work to dismantle those who would like to kill. Those are called terrorists." - Preznit Dubya, during a mini-press-conference immediately following his meeting with Israeli leader Ariel Sharon, tries and fails to answer a reporter's question about how he's going to get Palestinian militants to extend their current cease-fire. *** *** *** "I think this is the worst government in its more than 200 years of history. It has engaged in extraordinarily irresponsible policies, not only in foreign policy and economics, but also in social and environmental policy. This is not normal government policy. Now is the time for the American people to engage in civil disobedience. I think it's time to protest as much as possible." - American 2001 Nobel Prize laureate for economics George A. Akerlof lashes out at Preznit Dubya in the latest issue of Germany's Der Speigel.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Will Rogers. Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women!" she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal The Tucs for sending in today's second joke. Today is my daughters 18th birthday... I'm so glad that this is my last damn child support payment! Month after month, year after year, those damn payments! So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got here, I said to her: "Sweetheart, I want you to take this last check over to your mothers house and tell her that this is the last penny she's ever going to get from me then and then I want you tell me the expression on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her mother that very afternoon and she came back that very same evening much to my surprise! I was so anxious to hear what the bitch had to say and what the look on her face was like. As my baby girl returned and walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Some guy named Ziggi sent in this groaner. After I was done reading it, I needed to take a shower. Three good looking girls come up to the counter and wanted milk shakes. The first one, a red head, orders a chocolate with whiped cream and cherry. The second, a brunett, orders a strawberry with whiped cream and no cherry. The third, a blond, gets a vanilla with just a cherry. Several minutes go by and as they finish their shakes, the blond looks down to the bottom of her cup and looks at the cherry. She puts the cup down and comes up to me and asks "Do you want my cherry?". I said "Sure, but not right now. Meet me out back in 10 minutes when I take my brake." 10 minutes later I take my brake, puffing the joint with my buddy, thinking that the blond had to know I was just kidding about taking her cherry. Another 10 minutes goes by and as I start to head back in to make milk shakes, the blond shows up with a cup in her hand. She says "sorry I'm late, got my cherry for ya." "ok, see that van over there? Go in the back of it and take of all your clothes and I'll get your cherry." "OK" she said. I hold her down in the van, rocking it hard. And as I finish my moves she start to dress and says, "so are you going to take my cherry or what?" "Honey, I allready got it."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey jerks; What's up with former prez Clinton talking about too much being made about Cousin George's problems? And what was that milky white stain on Condoleeza Rice's blue dress the same day? Signed: Shakes I don't know about any milky stains, Shakes, but maybe Clinton simply meant what he said. Maybe he's trying to mend bridges and help heal the partisan rift. Then again, maybe he gets a perverse kick out of seeing all those asshole right-wing pundits and pundettes -- the same sick crew who accused him of murdering Vince Foster and raping Juanita Broderick and personally ordering the incineration of innocent children at the Koresh standoff and called for (or even VOTED for) his impeachment over NOTHING -- suddenly turning around and citing his words in defense of their own favorite, soon-to-be-impeached Monkey Boy, King Dubya the Turd. *** **** *** Hey, Jerky! Harlem Nights was one funny fucking movie!!! Redd Foxx, Eddie Murphy, and Richard Pryor were great. How you could call it one of the worst movies Pryor did is far beyond me! What the fuck is wrong with you? You didn't laugh watching the movie?! Maybe your sense of humor needs a little fine tuning! Signed: Bob Adams Dear Bob; Harlem Nights suffers in my estimation precisely because of the high expectations created by both the superlative cast and the intriguing subject matter. On a purely subjective basis, it certainly isn't as "bad" a movie as Superman 3. Then again, nobody expected Superman 3 to be any good, anyway. So what's worse? A movie you thought would be great, but which turned out to be sub-averge? Or a movie you thought would be average, but which turned out to suck? Yer old pal Jerky thinks the first scenario is definitely more worser. *** **** *** jerky=numbnuts! yo numbnuts -- as further evidence that you are a complete moron, I offer this : in 1945, it WAS NOT a B-52 bomber that hit the empire state building it was a B-25. Why dont you get your head out of your ass & think for once? Signed: Hoop Dear Hoop; Yours was the least polite of the three dozen corrections I received about that slip-up. Aviation fans, as a rule, tend to be very courteous and and reserved, and that was reflected in the letters I received, including one from a gentleman who actually served on board a B-52 during the hotter parts of the Cold War. Therefore, it is probably unfair of me to use YOUR rude missive as the conduit to my correction. But hey... that's the way the pee-stream drizzles, know what I mean? The Daily Dirt is anything but a meritocracy.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ASSHOLE THEORY CONFIRMED! Care of: Sebastian M.C. Jerky, It is so true. I just got back from a damn fucked up Vegas vacation with my mother's fucked-up-side of the family, and have learned that my sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, and uncle are all assholes. Let me give you the run down: When we first got to Vegas we had to get to the airport. Unfortunately we were a group of 14 and took a stretched. FUCKING BIG MISTAKE! I paid for $40 of the ride cause my Mom's cheap fat ass friends said it was more expensive than the bus!!! These aren't in any particular order but illustrate the ASSHOLE THEORY! 1. My mother showed up late everywhere, probably because she was getting fucked by her cheap ass boyfriend, and she thought that me sweating my balls off waiting for her in the sweltering Vegas heat was funny... What an Asshole! 2. My grandmother must think they still have $.99 breakfast and $2.99 steak and eggs... her ass claimed senior citizen trump card on my ass in an apparent attempt for me to fund her penny and nickle slot vacation... What an Asshole! 3. My aunt, dressed like a circus clown and more persistent than the others, tracked me down at the craps table to attempt mooch money from me... What an Asshole! 4. My uncle, who I thought was the cool one of the bunch, went golfing with me and said he'd pay me back when we got back to the hotel. Well, I got fucked again. What an Asshole! 5. My sister, who wanted money, was happy to take that money and then renig on our agreement of splitting 50/50 on the money after she hit for $2,500.. What an Asshole and a CUNT. Oh yeah, and I called her a CUNT and let me tell you I heard from the other ASSHOLESS about it... at which time I informed them that they were cheap assholes, themselves. So goes my 4 day vacation from hell... and yet again showing that Jerky knows all and tells all. Thanks for letting me vent. If I went to a psychologist with this pent up shit he would have charged me a fortune. What an Asshole. - Sebastian M.C. [Harsh truth number one: People are assholes. Harsh truth number two: Families suck. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com